1
‘Jump!… Jump!…Jump!’
John Boy was screaming at us again, requesting that we jump higher and higher. This was the farthest life had progressed. Hundreds of people all on their own trampoline trying to reach heights which no one else had. I was fairing badly today. I could see my personal best on the stick next to the trampoline, however, I had only looked up at it. John Boy had noticed and began to address me.
‘Hey! Keith! Keith! Stop bouncing! I want to speak to you!’
I countered the propulsion and sat on the blue padding around the edge.
‘Look around you Keith.’
I turned my head and looked at the people jumping.
‘What can you see?’
‘People jumping.’
‘Yes, but what can you actually see? How are they doing?’
‘They’re all jumping higher than I am.’
‘Exactly! Look at the leader board.’
John Boy pointed over to an electronic table which showed the results. My name was at the bottom.
‘But John, I can’t go higher.’
‘You fucking can Keith! Now come on, get off the bottom! Jump!… Jump!…Jump!’
John Boy went back to circulating around the hall and I followed his instructions. After another fifteen minutes the buzzer went and our session was up. We dismounted our trampolines and walked towards John Boy. He began a speech.
‘Well done tonight lads. Remember, you are the top four hundred trampolinists in the Under 20s category. Only one will be crowned as the highest jumper in the championships. If you are in last place, you should work harder, and if you are in first place, you should work harder. Right, now fuck off, I’ve got the under 19s next.’
We all filed off to the changing rooms and I met Gavin by the lockers.
‘Hey Keith, how’s it going?’
‘Not good Gav, I’m dead last. Like 400th last. I’m no good at this.’
‘Hey man, you’re the 400th best in the world for your age! That’s a huge achievement.’
‘I know that should mean something, shouldn’t it? But no one gives a shit. When I tell my dad tonight, he’ll go mental. The perception of success is too much.’
‘Hey you’re telling me. Three weeks ago, I’d set the highest ever. Remember that? Now it’s a foot higher! When the finals are on TV, my old height will be seen as average, the stadium won’t even applaud it.’
‘Where are you now?’
‘I’m twelfth.’
‘Christ! I’d give something to be there!’
‘Yeah, I know, but if you were you’d wish you were higher, trust me. It’s like John Boy said, it never stops. Even number one has to worry about defending the title.’
‘Ahh well, fuck it.’
‘Ha! yeah, fuck it.’
‘See you tomorrow mate.’
‘Yeah, first and second tomorrow.’
Gavin smiled and went for the showers, I got my bag and walked to the door.
2
I met Stacey in the bar and discussed her progress. She was a little depressed and wanted to blow off some steam.
‘Hey Stace, how’s it going?’
‘Terrible. How was the jumping?’
‘Last I’m afraid. How’s the modelling.’
‘I am two thousandth in the adult category. How can that be? I was first in the under twenties and now I’m two thousandth in the adults.’
‘Christ, there are two thousand better looking women?!’
‘Stop it Keith! I’m not good looking enough.’
‘Stacey, you’re the one of the best in the world, there are seven billion and you’re two thousandth.’
‘It doesn’t feel like it.’
‘Look Stacey, you can’t do anything about it.’
‘Oh, I can. I’ll have to diet a bit more and focus more on what I wear. A change in my makeup style may also help.’
‘But do you think you’ll win?’
‘No, but I’ll feel better if I rise up the ranks a bit. I’m feeling too worthless at the moment.’
Stacey ordered a smoothy with acai in it and I order a pint with beer in it. We both sat there glumly waiting for the waitress. Stacey broke it.
‘Why is it like this?’
‘Why is what like what?’
‘Why have we all decided to rank everything?’
‘Igdo started it I think. People didn’t like ranking themselves in their own heads and so the company started ranking everything. Igdo bought the Olympics and now we all compete.’
I smiled at her, knowing that she was being rhetorical.
‘No, you little shit Keith! You know what I mean! Why do we all go along with it?’
‘That, I can’t answer.’
‘We used to compare ourselves against others before but only on the things we valued. Have you read Wideberg?’
‘No.’
‘Well she said that since the start of Igdo we now compare ourselves against things we don’t even value and wouldn’t have analysed before. Let’s say if you realised that you are the thousandth kindest person in the world, you are more likely to be kinder to people and focus on kindness to increase your rating when, without the comparison, you wouldn’t care.’
I smiled again.
‘Stace, surely that’s a good thing?’
‘You know what I mean! Like when you realised you had the genes to be a good bouncer or I realised that I was good looking. Neither of us would be doing this if we didn’t have Igdo. The other thing is, that we now see perfect as something achievable. Joana, the best model, or Tommy, the best bouncer, are on posters everywhere and therefore we get used to looking at the best, it makes it normal almost. You know what I mean? We see her face and his height and know that this is the peak but fail to realise that there are too many people between us and them. You half believe that you can jump higher and I half believe that I can be more beautiful, whilst really knowing, in sober moments, that we will never get there. However, you still upload pictures to Igdo showing yourself at your highest height and I upload pictures where I look my best. We’re part of the problem.’
‘You need to slow down a bit Stace.’
‘Shut up!’
We sat and drank our drinks, me thinking about her being right and her thinking more about the problem.
‘So what do you propose?’
She looked at me and spat out her final thoughts.
‘Oh, I don’t know Keith! I’m sick of competing, that’s all. In the days where we all lived in tribes, you’d only know about the people around you, you’d easily be the best at something. Now, you know everyone’s rank, you can quantify how mediocre you really are. I just hate the pressure, it makes me feel worthless.’
‘Do we have to be the best though?’
‘No, but there’s something inside of me which wants to compete and be better than the people around me. Do you not have that?’
‘I know what you mean.’
‘In a tribe this is fine, against the world it’s overwhelming.’
I changed the direction of the conversation on to happier subjects and we eventually ran out of things to think about and discuss.
3
I woke up the next day and went to see Roger. He was the hundred thousandth richest man in the world and loved me to know about it. He thrived on Igdo.
‘You alright Keithy! Saw your ranking this morning! What was it again? Five hundred millionth. Top fourteenth in the world, nice one! And where was I again? Oh yeah, that’s right jumping jack, ninety thousandth. Ten thousand places in a month! Either the world is getting poorer or I’m getting richer! I wonder which one it is?’
He then stroked his pale chin with his ginger haired hand and began to laugh at his arrogance. I laughed too.
‘You alright Roger? You gonna give me some of that money then? You can spare the odd place can’t you?’
‘Ha! ‘Fraid not softy! I wouldn’t give a penny to the piss pot poor at the moment! At this rate, I’ll be number one by Christmas! While you lot are bouncing up and down, trying to get the top of the ceiling, I’m doing something which will actually give me something! Heard of power?!’
‘You still living with your mum and dad Roge?’
He blushed a little, not difficult with his complexion.
‘Every little helps, anyway, buy me a drink you tight twat!’
I made my way to the bar, knowing that I wouldn’t be getting the money back.
‘So what’s been happening Roge?’
‘Ahh you know me, just working and climbing the ladder. You? How’s the championship training going? I saw your rating. Sorry about that. All joking aside, I am sorry.’
‘Don’t worry about it mate, at the end of the day, you need to be top twenty to be in with a chance, and to be top twenty you need to be top fifty. There’s not enough time and I’m never going to get there.’
‘You alright about that?’
‘Well, dad’s disappointed and mum hides it well, what can you do?’
‘Jump higher?’
‘Yeah. Spoke to Stace last night, she’s upset about the ranking.’
‘I bet she is! What a blow! It’s like what Joneth said. You read Joneth?’
‘No.’
‘He said about it being almost enjoyable when you’re rising up but that when you get to the top and lose it, it’s awful.’
‘That was his whole argument?’
‘There was more to it, an excerpt was in the paper. I read it on the train.’
‘So why are you so desperate to rise up?’
‘You need to feel it Keithy! With the modelling or jumping, it’s not really up to you where you are. With the money, it’s in your control! If I get to number one, I’ll spend every penny. The rest of you are like stupid Icarus, up there and scared. I’m flying straight at the sun and I know it. I want to get burnt!’
He then used his index fingers to stretch at the corner of his eyes.
‘You see rickle Keify. You are ricke shit. I am kamakazie pilot, frying into pawadise. You are rickle shit fwying into bouncy twamporine.’
He began laughing loudly. I blushed and hoped that no one heard.
‘So you’re in control Roge? That’s the secret.’
‘Exactly, work to the top and cause your decline. I only look at Igdo for the money charts. I have no idea where I am elsewhere. You know why? Because I choose to only care about the money. Take Stace. She cares because she’s made herself care. She checks all this stuff, compares herself to the others, looks at tips to get thin or apply makeup better. If you don’t bother and allow yourself to decide what you should act like, you’ll act in the way you want to.’
‘So people overcomplicate it?’
‘Of course they do! You only jump because you looked at your highest rated activity. You think you’ll be happy doing something your reasonably good at but don’t really enjoy? That’s madness! This brings me on to something.’
He stared back at me, grinning like some excited dog.
‘Go on then.’
‘Let me ask you a question.’
He let silence hug the air. Smiling and enjoying the suspense. He relented when he realised I wasn’t going to.
‘What does Igdo not have?’
‘Ermm.’
‘Come on, think about it. What does it not tell you?’
‘The time?’
‘Come on you limited twat! What has it missed? It tells you what you’re good at but…’
‘Is this obvious? You mean, it doesn’t tell you what you would actually enjoy?’
‘Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Ten points to the man with the spring in his step! And guess who has created a formula and guess who has patented it?’
I looked back at him.
‘That’s right! Roge is the man! And for the cheap, cheap, wery, wery, cheap price of one hundred pounds, everyone can find out!’
‘Right, you’ve found the key to life. May I ask how?’
‘I test three things. One, DNA, Two, data from Igdo and Three, you do a personality test – a more thorough one than Igdo’s.’
‘Right. What does the DNA test do?’
‘Well you know Igdo does one for beauty and certain personality traits? My DNA test is more detailed and compares you against a database of DNA from people who do jobs which they consistently enjoy. All this stuff then get’s put in the pot and options come out. The options are also realistic and are things you can actually do and make money from. For example, I put your details in the generator and the bouncing didn’t come up as you’re clearly shit at it and don’t enjoy it. Your number one was actually an artist.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, it predicted that you would be successful enough to live, earning between 50,000 and 300,000 per year depending on trends and your work ethic.’
‘Jesus, have you tested this on anyone?’
‘Yep! I wouldn’t be sat here talking to you about it would I?’
‘Wouldn’t you?’
‘Wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you?… I don’t waste time on hopes you prick! We trialled one thousand people, all of them having to do the number one job on the list. They now all do their number one job and all of them are happier than before. There was only one person who stayed the same and that was because that person was me!’
‘You’re a real cock.’
‘I’m not joking Keithy!’
‘Well this is amazing Roge. I don’t really know what to say. You’ve unlocked human potential.’
‘Yep!’
‘So now that everyone will do this test as it will ensure that they stay alive and are successful, how will all of the jobs in the world get done? I mean, who wants to clean toilets or sweep floors? Surely everyone will do the fun stuff.’
‘Ahh my rickle Keithy. That’s where the business model kicks in. It will be explained that the model will adapt through time. Those who sign up and get tested early will get the job which will ensure that they do something fun. However, as time goes on, the jobs available will reduce and the amount of new people able to do these jobs will reduce with it. Therefore they won’t be offered the job as they won’t be able to make money from it. The model will only offer what is available right now. For example, in the times of the cave man, the jobs might have been cave painter or hunter. In those times, the model would only offer those jobs and not ones like a fighter jet pilot. You following?’
‘Yeah, so how are you going to manage demand?’
‘Super computer hombre. I’ve got the I.T. lads on it. It’ll be ready for launch by Christmas.’
‘Christ! So what are you going to spend the money on?’
‘The computer will tell me.’
‘Suppose it will.’
We drank our drinks and I bought another round. I kept trying to pick holes in Roge’s plan before we both concluded that he had somehow become God. He promised to give me, ‘disciple status when it came around to it’, and I left his company around dusk, pissed and excited about pursuing a career in art.
4
Christmas arrived that year and Roge launched his model. I’d come 399th in the trampolining championships and made 65,000 on art, becoming the world’s leading clay pigeon modeller. The world was brighter and it felt closer to my grasp. I wasn’t fully content, however, and this made me a little sad. I felt the best I could technically feel and it still wasn’t like I imagined. There was now only one ranking system anyone cared about and this was Roge’s ‘Happiness Index’. I was in the bottom third and, as Roge pointed out, ‘unable to climb higher’. I met up with Stacey who had become a dog masseuse.
‘Hey Keithy, how are you? How you feeling?’
‘Yeah, not bad, you?’
‘Amazing. I’m in the top fifth of the Happiness Index. Bad luck about the bottom third.’
‘It’s alright, I just thought Roge’s system would sort it out, but I still feel a bit empty as I know this is my genetic peak. Some people are still having a better time.’
‘Yeah, I know, I’d love to be at the top but being where I am feels good enough.’
‘You read Geoga, Stace?’
‘No, why?’
‘Geoga says that happiness is relative. Regardless of the new system and us all being happy, the difference in experience means that unhappiness will always exist. Comparison causes unhappiness. Remember when you were a model? He says that we look up too much and need to spend time looking at the people behind us. Place ourselves a little better.’
‘How’s that going for you?’
‘Not bad, I am happy, just not full of happiness.’
‘Still, it’s better than before.’
‘Yeah, but those feelings soon go, you adapt to luxury like anything else.’
‘Oh come on Keith! Cheer up!’
I smiled.
‘I can’t.’
‘Yeah, I suppose so.’
We drank our drinks and talked about other things.
Tomorrow's Chip Paper 