The Big Time
When I was 19, I achieved my first promotion. Up until that point, with the exception of my paper round, I had been sacked from every job I’d ever been given. However, this misfortune finally came to an end in the kitchen of York’s David Lloyd. A Head Chef, by the name of Peter, had…
Tyler Durden’s Facebook Page
I am currently in a very strange place in my life. I am 34 years old and find myself unemployed on the auspices of my wife, with the strict instructions to keep our two children alive. This has exposed me to a lifestyle which makes the French foreign legion look like a holiday camp. Like…
Packed Lunch
Paul was eating his sandwiches opposite me. The smell of egg mayonnaise was offensive, as was its collection at the sides of his mouth. In our office, we had to take a staggered lunch break as ‘the phones needed to be manned at all times’. This law meant that Paul and I spent an hour…
Gogglebox
1 I was at the mirror, looking back at myself. I was unrecognisable. Normally I had the appearance of a man who had lost his youth, having just passed the point where I could imagine myself as a young man. However, tonight you could see it. I was my thirty year old self on a…
The Bee Who Had A Heart Attack
Middle of the day. Hot. Boiling hot. The type of hot where your balls hang heavy in your sack. I reached down my front and held them. There was no plumpness, only two small eggs trying to find detachment from my body. I pulled my hand from the front and inspected the rear. Opening the…
I Was Meeting Her Again
I was meeting her again. Both knew the other was facing redundancy. Three dates had clunked by with the discovery of no common ground or laughter. The format had started to take on a familiar tone. She would speak for a while, I would make encouraging noises and then I’d speak and she’d do the…
The Staffroom
He walked into the staffroom, like every day, me and him, the first arrivals. I sat on the couch backed by the wall and he sat with his back to the room. ‘You awlright pal? How was your journey in?’ The Scottish nonsense had begun. It read 07.20. ‘Not bad, the traffic was light but…
The Gym
I hadn’t seen her for three years. She looked good. When she was with me she was chubby. She was forever eating sweets, unable to watch a film without a bag of gluttony to throw at her face. However, it appeared that those days were over and she had found a gym membership. This was…
Wearing Your Best Pants To Work
I’d reached the point where I was wearing my best pants to work. Outside of those hours was nothing. I was thirty two and only able to fill forty hours of the week with activity. The world didn’t appreciate my personality, looks or charm. It appreciated my ability to arrive on time and log on.…
Salsa
I was drinking again. It was in control but the amount would still shock my mother. I’d reached a healthy balance of one day on and one day off. I would not exceed 5 pints on a weekday so that the weekend’s session still felt like a reward. On the weekend all bets were off.…
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