Series One
The Big Time
When I was 19, I achieved my first promotion. Up until that point, with the exception of my paper round, I had been sacked from every job I’d ever been given. However, this misfortune finally came to an end in the kitchen of York’s David Lloyd. A Head Chef, by the name of Peter, had…
Tyler Durden’s Facebook Page
I am currently in a very strange place in my life. I am 34 years old and find myself unemployed on the auspices of my wife, with the strict instructions to keep our two children alive. This has exposed me to a lifestyle which makes the French foreign legion look like a holiday camp. Like…
Packed Lunch
Paul was eating his sandwiches opposite me. The smell of egg mayonnaise was offensive, as was its collection at the sides of his mouth. In our office, we had to take a staggered lunch break as ‘the phones needed to be manned at all times’. This law meant that Paul and I spent an hour…
Gogglebox
1 I was at the mirror, looking back at myself. I was unrecognisable. Normally I had the appearance of a man who had lost his youth, having just passed the point where I could imagine myself as a young man. However, tonight you could see it. I was my thirty year old self on a…
The Bee Who Had A Heart Attack
Middle of the day. Hot. Boiling hot. The type of hot where your balls hang heavy in your sack. I reached down my front and held them. There was no plumpness, only two small eggs trying to find detachment from my body. I pulled my hand from the front and inspected the rear. Opening the…
I Was Meeting Her Again
I was meeting her again. Both knew the other was facing redundancy. Three dates had clunked by with the discovery of no common ground or laughter. The format had started to take on a familiar tone. She would speak for a while, I would make encouraging noises and then I’d speak and she’d do the…
The Staffroom
He walked into the staffroom, like every day, me and him, the first arrivals. I sat on the couch backed by the wall and he sat with his back to the room. ‘You awlright pal? How was your journey in?’ The Scottish nonsense had begun. It read 07.20. ‘Not bad, the traffic was light but…
The Gym
I hadn’t seen her for three years. She looked good. When she was with me she was chubby. She was forever eating sweets, unable to watch a film without a bag of gluttony to throw at her face. However, it appeared that those days were over and she had found a gym membership. This was…
Wearing Your Best Pants To Work
I’d reached the point where I was wearing my best pants to work. Outside of those hours was nothing. I was thirty two and only able to fill forty hours of the week with activity. The world didn’t appreciate my personality, looks or charm. It appreciated my ability to arrive on time and log on.…
Salsa
I was drinking again. It was in control but the amount would still shock my mother. I’d reached a healthy balance of one day on and one day off. I would not exceed 5 pints on a weekday so that the weekend’s session still felt like a reward. On the weekend all bets were off.…
Feminist Capitalism
I fucked her and paid her with cake. That was her fee. 15 minutes for a shop bought lemon sponge, 30 for a homemade chocolate, an extra 5 if the cake was good. That was all her calling card had on it. I always got 32 exactly. I knew this because she wore a stopwatch…
Fois Gras
I was on the plane again, sent from Washington to comment on another country for the US government. They were eager for me to analyse the ‘New Britain’. We had become obsessed with the island and were desperate to understand why they had closed their borders and confiscated the passports of their citizens. The world…
Lunch with Gina
The seagulls were harassing each other. One held onto a naan bread it had found from somewhere. It darted over the rooftops, swerving around chimneys and satellite dishes. It knew the racetrack which the others tried desperately to learn. As they chased and fled, disappearing and reappearing, they dragged the bread from each other. They…
The Big Shop
There was a squat man in shorts shouting at his wife. She was attempting to park their car but couldn’t get it in between the lines. The man was infuriated. His bald head was greased with sweat, mirroring the sunlight. He had one of those staircase veins on his temple which made you think an…
Mr Fishy
I’d drunk enough to piss myself in my sleep. That was the reality which I’d come to accept. It was a rare state of being where my thinking was steadier than my walking. If I were on my own, this would have been manageable; however, I was with Alice. She was protesting against the reality,…
Coffee
‘Let’s go for a coffee. We could have a nice walk down by the river and get a coffee. Then we can walk back. I could cook us some tea and then we could watch a film tonight. I’ll check what’s on the television.’ This is how I’d spent my Saturdays for the last 8…
Washing Up
‘You’re dreams are awoken so much through life, that you realise success will only be achieved by a win on the lottery.’ Dad was on a bleak one. Washing the dishes tended to make him far too reflective, to the point where he often turned in on himself. I liked these monologues as he was…
Trampoline
1 ‘Jump!… Jump!…Jump!’ John Boy was screaming at us again, requesting that we jump higher and higher. This was the farthest life had progressed. Hundreds of people all on their own trampoline trying to reach heights which no one else had. I was fairing badly today. I could see my personal best on the stick…
Love Is Blind
The emails read: ‘Looking forward to tonight darling, it will be fab! See you at 7 by the fountain. By the way, we’re seeing Sonia and Steve on Saturday now. Is that alright? I know you wanted to watch that film but we could watch it on Tuesday in the week? If we don’t see…
The Photocopy Man
I walked into the photocopy room. Inside there was a man interacting with paper. He didn’t look up, being too busy feeding the machines. I watched how he stacked and fed and stapled. Every motion was smooth from years of routine. You could tell he wasn’t thinking about his work. His face was set in…
What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done Jonny Bing?
‘What is the worst thing you’ve ever done Jonny Bing? Like the worst?’ ‘I once thought I could achieve it all, went for it and missed. I had this mad idea about being a mechanic, fixing it all, it didn’t work out. I felt terrible after that.’ ‘No Jonny Bing, I’m talking about the worst…
The Boxing
The bar was full of goblin men. Rotund, tort, goblins and gargoyles, dripping in oil and leather. They said little and stared at the box on the wall. They were transfixed on the boxers. A few wriggled their bums in their seats when the action intensified. They were living it with them. They escaped into…
The Dead People
She was as dull as watching someone else eat when you’d already eaten and had somewhere better to be. A face with an income and a survival instinct. I’d taken her up on an invitation to meet outside of the place we were bribed to be. This had resulted in a series of underwhelming revelations.…
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